Walking Tall

I've walked on quite a few ppl in my life, so here's a little public "I'm sorry" directed out there towards a few specific individuals as part of my "less asshole" program.

Sean Knurek - been nothing but a stellar friend/roommate during what has/was the most difficult time in my life by far. How do I thank him? By no-showing his wedding. That he asked me to be in. And with no notice either. Granted it was either the wedding (in Michigan, a long drive for good ol' betsy) or my job, but regardless, how many times was Sean a man when he coulda said "go fuck yourself?" It's one of my biggest regrets over the past 5 years, and that's saying a lot, that I didn't just find a way to be there.

John Hunka - I've owed you money for pretty much the entire balance of our friendship. That's just not cool. Sorry, although I know you don't really mind.

Brendan Leigh - A "turn back time" sorry. I don't think I appreciated your friendship nearly enough for the first few years we were friends, and for that, I apologize. I think things are much better nowadays, but back in those days, you did me an awful lot of favors without ever expecting much in return, and for that I'm thankful.

Tim Aten - I talk about myself in so many of our chats it's scary, but you're always there with advice, no matter how little we talk. Thanks.

Matt Westfall - Again, money issues, and you never bring them up. Not only that, but you've moved into the coveted "guy I'd call if I was in jail in Dayton at 3:30 A.M" tier of friendship. Lucky you.

John Marks - When times were tough, you were as good a friend as could be for someone that barely knew me. Now that I'm busy, I don't make nearly enough time for you. Sorry.

I guess that's all for today, but I'm sure I'll think of more soon.

Songs of the Second:

The Get Up Kids - Fall from Grace
Bob Dylan (!?!) - Blowing in the Wind

Pieces of Note Fall Down but the Letter Said

In a post in February, I set some goals, and while making some new goals, I figure it's good to look back at those goals and check the progress.



1. Continue my education while searching for academic focus.
STATUS: Still churning away, but now visions of grad school are dancing in my head. Law seems like the natural way to go, but who knows if that's gonna be possible. Right now I'm strongly considering finishing with a degree in Communications or English and then moving forward to some sort of grad school as soon as possible. I've hit a few bumps along the way, but I still shit school for the most part.


2. Get out of debt
STATUS: Making MAJOR progress here, as my creditors are almost totally paid off, which is an accomplishment, and I only owe a few friends a couple bucks (ok, maybe a few more) but overall things are looking up.


3. Move out
STATUS: I'm not sure how important this goal really is at this point. A new car would be a much more relevant purchase and not nearly the drain on my income as moving out would be. My parents and I get along much better now so it's almost a waste to move out while school is still going on.


4. Regain my focus at MTG, since I'm clearly pretty good at the game and enjoy it.
STATUS: I might just quit to be honest. It's eaten up enough of my life, and I'm sort of bored with the whole enterprise. I don't care too much about qualifying for the Pro Tour, so what else is there? Casual? I don't think so.


5. Live life like it's the last day of school (aka Carpe Diem)
STATUS: I still take too many things far too seriously, but I think I've been doing a better job of seizing the day. It doesn't always work out as I had hoped, but at least I'm trying new things.


6. Avoid bad relationships. This means romantically and socially.
STATUS: Strong. My friendships are better than ever, and I have cut some negativity out of my life. Unfortunately, I still haven't come across that special person romantically, but what's the rush really?


7. Stop being so melodramatic...Just because it makes for a good story doesn't mean that it has to become one.
STATUS: MUCH better. I'm still a storyteller, but I have cut back on exaggerations and the like a lot recently. Hopefully it doesn't take away from people's enjoyment when around me, but I have to be honest in order to continue bettering myself.


9. Learn to count.
STATUS: PLS


10. Try to find validation within myself and not worry so much about what others think.
STATUS: This is a fight, and one that will never end. All I can do is keep plugging away at it.


11. Continue to be the best friend that I can be.
STATUS: I hope I've done a good job @ this over the past 6 months.


12. Listen more, talk less.
STATUS: I still catch myself waiting for my turn to talk every once in a while, but overall, I think I'm a fine listener and this goal has been accomplished.


13. Get fresh on the mic, like a milkman on duty
STATUS: What do you think?


14. Improve my health and overall well-being.
STATUS: I've lost 14 lbs just from switching to diet cola. Next up: A regular workout program.


15. Return to intellectualism a bit. (especially in daily lingo)
STATUS: The lingo part of this goal is stupid, as that's what makes me who I am. However, I have been reading quite a bit and my thirst for knowledge has returned in a limited form.


Song of the random second:

Better than Ezra - Good

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past couple of days. At first, I was extremely negative about what happened on Friday, that being getting shot down by Shannon for date #2. She's way too nice to fully tell me to go fuck myself, so I ended up getting the stammering "yeah, sure, sometime" answer from her. I'm not naive enough to not know what that means, and to be honest, it really hurt my feelings. I normally don't care one bit about the girls I go after, mostly because I try not to let myself get attached, but it was unavoidable in this case. She is/was a very good match for me, and I've been getting antsy about being alone again, so I fell into my own personal trap.

Part of the problem of course has nothing to do with the specific girl, but the notion that she represented. A ray of hope in an otherwise dark life. Basically I'm looking for inspiration, something to get me going in the right direction, and although perhaps not in the way I was looking for, she might have provided it after all.

After spending a lot of time with my close friends both Friday night and Saturday, I remain on tilt, but in a different way. I've come to realize that I'm simply not gonna get the chances that the average attractive/powerful/rich person is gonna get to meet new people, and the only way to beat that is to become one of those things. Rationally, I should be able to just be myself and eventually I'll meet the right person who likes me for me (Hey, Leonardo!), but in practice it just doesn't work that way. I like my personality, I think I'm an overall good person, and I'm a good time a vast majority of the time ppl spend around me. That isn't enough. It's just asking too much of the opposite gender to overlook the obvious and focus on the intangibles that make a relationship work...and I can't even truly criticize that point because I think it might just be human nature.

My New Goals:

1. Finish School (finally) and get myself on the path to making a good salary.
2. Show no fear and try and procure as many different dates as possible in the process sheerly for the experience and the possible chance that I could meet someone
3. Begin workout program to go along with my recent changes in my diet
4. Stop bleeding money just because my debts are nearly paid off, and get a new car so I don't have to drive around an actual joke (not to mention the potential lethality of driving that car much longer)
5. Quit gaming on a serious level and try to make my free time about something more productive.

ps Green Day "Holiday" FTW in the most insane game ever.

Songs:
Relient K - Be My Escape
MCS - My Favorite Accident
Jamison Parker - Anthem for the Broken Hearted
Foo Fighters - Times Like These (Acoustic)
Coheed and Cambria - Three Evils

from the etc many of these.

Chapstick, Chapped Lips, and Things like Chemistry

I vow to be less of an asshole. I've been one for too long, and although some people get a kick out of the whole bag thing, I'm tired of it. It's part of me to kid around and sometimes give some beats, but the focus needs to change from complaining and generally thinking poorly about people to trying to look at the good in them as I used to back in the day. So, with those of you that have known me forever, don't expect to see too much of a change on the outside, but the important thing (how I feel on the inside) will change.

On another topic, I'm down 14 lbs at last weigh-in thanks solely to the switch from regular to diet pop. That's absurd as I still smash whatever I want whenever I want. If I can continue to discipline myself, I might be on the road to looking better (not that I'm all that concerned now, but I would love, even for a little while, to have my looks be a positive rather than a negative when dealing with the opposite sex). The next step is finding something cardio related that I enjoy and taking it slow but steady in order to get healthier as well as shedding some lbs.

I saw Wedding Crashers tonight, and it almost felt like it was written solely for my friends and I based on some of the lines in the movie. Overall, hilarious, but your milage may vary. I was pretty obnoxious during the movie, as I kept getting text messages and having to reply to them, but rich hell care since I didn't talk or whatever and the msgs were fairly important.

Lemon Ice Kool-Aid FTW? Most definitely.

No real news on the female front, but I'm planning on asking Shannon to do something this weekend. Also, I'm really looking forward to Chris's cookout, should be sweet. Next time I'll look back at some of the goals I've set and check up on the progress on those goals.

Song of the Evening:

Relient K - Be My Escape (wonderful, just wonderful)

Red Letter Day

Well what do you know, I actually have something to talk about today instead of the usual stuff (although many people would consider this "usual stuff"). I went on a date or at least a reasonable facsimile of one Wednesday night. So here are some random thoughts from the evening.

- My date for the night, Shannon, is a coworker, which of course could lead to awkwardness, but in this case was very helpful for keeping things moving throughout the night. Unfortunately, she's not only very cute, but smart, funny, and adept at holding a conversation as well, causing a very unusual feeling for me: self-doubt. My experiences in life have taught me one very important lesson, that being not to want anything too much or you won't get it. More on her later.

- The movies are the nut low. I had no choice in the matter as this was supposed to be a group outing but turned into just the two of us. I like chatting, and the movies is probably the least conducive place for chatting ever, leading to the strange phenomenon of trying to fit a whole night's chats into the car trip to/from the movies. In this case, it might have been a blessing in disguise so that I didn't gibber-jabber too much.

- Johnny Depp is creepy as fuck.

- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was fine, probably better than the original although childhood nostalgia keeps me from being able to say for certain. The kids were amazingly well cast, unfortunately, I didn't like that their fate wasn't kept mysterious when they did bad things. And they took out "The Temptation of Charlie" which sorta bothered me.

- I guess I'm human after all. For the past couple of years, I think I might have been sabotaging myself by going after women with obvious defects besides the physical. It helped my confidence to be able to, for lack of a better term, "shit it." I need to find that mindset soon or I won't be able to function properly around her. I don't allow myself to get excited around women for the most part anymore, and I've been enabling that by giving myself something obvious to dislike about the girls that I have seen over the past 5 years. I'm just as cowardly as anyone else when I'm around someone that I actually like...and I'm afraid that it might be the case here. For example, I couldn't bring myself to make a physical move last night. I was just too nervous and I NEVER get apprehensive like that with the usual. At least it's something interesting to write about. Any advice for me would be appreciated through the usual channels.

Songs of the Second:
1. The Used - Lunacy Fringe (Tim, you're a master)
2. The Matches - Chain Me Free (Rayna, you're a master)
3. Number One Gun - Get Up (AND STRETCH!)
4. Spoon - Two Sides of Monsieur Valentine (was a fan of them in 2000, they disappeared, but they're back now)
5. Augustana - Stars and Boulevards (sounds Pete Yorn-ish)

ps. Fuck the Mars Volta. Those pretentious bastards think they are above rock music with their long-ass songs and stupid foreign language crap. L'Via L'Viaquez my ass.

We Got Older, but We're Still Young

24 years old isn't the end of my life. Far from it in fact. I'm not sure what "act my age" means at 24, but regardless, I'm pretty sure it doesnt mean act like some demented combination of old man and immature jerk.

So yeah, I'm gonna try and make a concerted effort to find my niche as a 24 yr old. I just don't like the bar scene, it's that simple. Too many boombas and not enough meaning. If that means I'm not doing what 24 year olds are "supposed" to be doing, oh well. Granted it makes it more difficult to meet new people and especially women, but chances are, anyone I meet at the bar is gonna have an uphill battle in order to achieve any relevance in my life.

I like cover songs, no matter how contrived they come off. As a matter of fact, today's top 5 list is gonna be 5 random cover songs that I enjoy.

Fuck it, I'm going to shower.

1. Junior Varsity - Raining in Baltimore (cover of a Counting Crows song I love)
2. Yellowcard - Everywhere (Michelle Branch, the first Yellowcard song I heard)
3. New Found Glory - The Glory of Love (Peter Secada! Karate Kid FTW)
4. Get Up Kids - Close to Me (somewhere in my all-time T10, cover of The Cure)
5. Everyday Superheroes - Buddy Holly :)

Strongsville Syndrome

Been a while since a post, but not really all that much exciting going on right now. Work has been pretty much my whole life for the past month thanks to infinite extra hours and all sorts of other nonsense. The sucky part of course is that despite the fact that the crew we have now is great, all of them are leaving for one reason or another, leaving me back in the Land of the Lost. All the cool younger people that make work bearable are going back to school, and I guess the only plus side is that I'll be back at school myself fairly soon.

Other than all that, things are going just fine. I'm considering getting a brand new car to replace Betsy, prolly a Ford Focus since they are cheap and get good gas mileage. I guess all the work is good for something if I can drive around in a car that isn't a Lethal Lottery everytime I drive anywhere.

After much introspection, I've decided that I'm actually a pretty good person. I have my faults (who doesn't) and I will continue to work on fixing them, one of the big ones being my tendancy to break plans and just not show up for things. I've also decided that I still have quite a bit of potential to be something in this life that isn't embarassing...but I just need to find the proper motivation. So I'll be doing something about that as well.

And of course, the real reason to post at all...

1. The All-American Rejects - Move Along
2. Fall Out Boy - Dance, Dance
3. Better than Ezra - A Lifetime (one of the saddest songs I've ever heard)
4. Augustana - Stars and Boulevards
5. Over It - Siren on the 101 (from the VAULT, sorta)