A New Chapter

So after writing my epic 25 goal post, I realized that I needed to follow that up with writing more, but really, there hasn't been too much to write about. I guess I'll just write about the topics that have been dominating my life: self-improvement and love.

This is an extremely important post, and an open letter to my friends and people I care about. I need feedback on this stuff otherwise I'll have no idea if I reached you or whatev. I've reached an unsavory level of dissatisfaction with a few of my friends, and rather than try and play everyone like they aren't the problem, I'm going to call a lot of you out later on in this post on what I see as important needs if we are going to remain friends. First though...

"The one common denominator in every mess you find yourself in is you."
- Bob Wall


Basically, what I take from the above quote is: STOP MAKING EXCUSES. We're in these spots for a reason, and the how and why is not so important as the "what are we gonna do about it." I've been the fat kid for 15 years now. That's a fucking long time to be overweight, and the hell it's put my body through will undoubtedly come back to bite me at some point. That being said, the damage so far has been minimal and I can fix it. I've made incredible progress so far, losing over 100 lbs since my peak weight of 347 in February, 2005. I'm still not small by any means, but I feel much better and look better too, as the weight loss has been noticable by even the most random of people. I need to keep working, adding the gym to my regimen as well as tanning and maybe even a tattoo or something of that nature. I need to live life.

On the same token, I also need to address my flaws. Personal flaws can hurt you in three major ways. First of all, they can cause you to do things that you wouldn't/shouldn't do normally or do things that are inappropriate for the time/place/nature of the event. For example, Hitler and Napoleon both refused to give up the dream of invading Russia, and their arrogance hastened their downfalls. Not only that, but flaws are things that enemies can pick up on and use against you, like Superman with his Kryptonite or Omnicare Rob with his Creeptonite. Thirdly and most importantly, it can make it much easier for your buttons to be pressed when you are aware and insecure about a flaw that you have; an example of this has occurred in the past week to me, as someone basically called me out for being too questioning to women. Maybe I am, but acknowledging it or accepting it as not true is something that I was not prepared to do, and it left me in an awful mood for most of the rest of the day.

So once again, what do we do about it? I've been reading a lot of self-improvement literature lately, and the two pervailling ways to address your flaws are introspection and confrontation. I pretty much hate introspection because I have a tendancy to get lost in my own thoughts, but I am willing to give it a try in this medium in order to have a written record of what I need to address about myself.

1. I let my feelings get hurt too easily. I take things as a personal insult when it is simply a coincidence or throwaway comment. The reason for this is I have an intense need for everyone to like me. In some regards, it's a good thing, as it has made me much less selfish and more willing to accept others for their personal flaws. Unfortunately, not everyone works that way, and as it is a selfish desire on my end to begin with, I get frustrated when others don't follow the simple rule of reciprocation. Fortunately for the human race, we're not robots and we aren't hardwired to think certain ways, and I need to accept that not everyone is going to like me, and in fact, some people may actively DISLIKE being around me. It's not the end of the world, although I often treat it like it is, turning small slights into big deals.

2. I am EXTREMELY manipulative. I have worked on taking this down a few notches over the past couple of years, but I'm prone to exaggeration when telling stories in order to get a bigger reaction, extreme levels of absurdity to get a laugh, or overblown melodrama in order to elicit sympathy. While effective, it's not a very honest way to go about living, and in reality, it has no point. Trying to top myself with every story and joke or behavior is only leading me down a road towards completely losing track of reality and who I am. Also, I love getting my way, and again, while that can be great in terms of leading people and getting the most out of them, feeling bitterness when things aren't my way is no way to go through life.

3. I'm smarter than you, and I know it. Ok, ok, not everyone out there is below me on the intellectual scale, but I feel as though the vast majority of people in the world do not have the intellectual capacity that I do. Often times, this causes me to come off as know-it-allish or smarmy when I make comments or suggestions. While not intentional, it comes from my high level of self-confidence in the intelligence arena. A corollary to this is the extreme LACK of self-esteem I have for my looks. I need to realize that I dress nice, take care of myself hygenically to the most meticulous details, and work pretty hard at looking good. It does not go unnoticed and I need to start accepting compliments rather than blowing them off. The amount of times I hear "you smell really good" from attractive women at work over the course of a week is staggering, and I need to continue my progress in that realm as it appears to be working.

4. I'm a fucking pussy. That's right, I'm a giant wuss. I'm not nearly as daring as many people my age, and by no coincidence I'm not as thrilling for the ladies, either. Fuck extreme sports. Fuck skateboarding, fuck skydiving, fuck motorcycles, fuck drinking, fuck smoking, fuck all that noise. I'd rather spend a quiet night with my friends and people I really care about than any of those things. Of course, I like and understand the need for changes of pace, but even still, I'm not looking for anything that's gonna bring me bodily harm. I just don't have the balls for that nor do I really understand the appeal.

5. I'm so dependant on others for my self-worth, it's scary. If someone tells me I'm awesome, I feel awesome. If someone tells me that I'm shit and goes on a giant list of bad things about me, I get caught up in it. I have a very difficult time staying stable because I'm so dependant on the daily flux of other people's opinions. This all stems back to a bigtime lack of self-esteem. I'm constantly seeking validation, when the only validation I should need is myself. While I'm on the subject, my opinion of myself has really gone upwards in the past two years. I had reached a low "who could love me" point in my life, unemployed, driving the worst car in history (a death trap), and not going to school. I've turned things around nicely. While I don't totally admire myself, I do respect a lot of what I've done.

6. I take the easy way out too much. Too often, I'd rather just sit here in front of my computer where it's safe rather than take chances. Granted, sometimes it's for monetary issues (another flaw I have is the complete lack of respect I have for the dollar and my willy-nilly spending), and in those cases it's totally justified. Other times, though, I don't do things because as I mentioned earlier, I'm a pussy. Pining over a girl is so much easier than facing rejection if she says no. If I just do EVERYTHING right maybe she'll like me. Suck it Bags. Don't be such an idiot, especially with women. Just go for it you moron.

7. I don't know how to say no to people. This is something I've really worked on but I still slip every once in a while. Rather than just address issues head-on, I attempt to just avoid them by ignoring them or making double plans or whatever. That is a MAJOR flaw, and something that I've honestly improved upon. That being said, I need to just continue to be honest and direct, and avoid making a flowery emotional speech when I break then news, and everyone will thank me for my fresh look on everything. I'm so novel.

8. I am TERRIBLE at following through on things. I believe this comes from boredom a large percentage of the time, but I shouldn't be starting things unless I plan on finishing them. Doing things just to do them is a colossal waste of time and I need to remind myself of that. If I start doing laundry, I need to FINISH IT so that I can be satisfied and complete the task as well as avoid annoying people that are inconvenienced by my not locking it up.

I'm sure that there are other things that I'm forgetting, but I need to make sure I get some of this off of my chest before I forget it. I'm just gonna start from the top of the buddy list and work my way down...If you don't appear on this list, don't assume that you're flawless because it could be a.) we're really not that close or b.) your flaws aren't a big deal at the current moment or c.) I don't see you often enough to have a real opinion (looking at you Mazzola and Sean).

Crimedogg25 - I don't trust you. I want to help you out but I'm afraid of getting burned, plus I keep hearing things that you say about me when I'm not around. Have I been completely fair regarding the housing situation? No, but that being said I don't think you've really treated me as a friend for the past couple of years. For the record, I think Brooke is awesome but I would never want to date her (she's way too wild for me), so any reports of me "moving in on your shit" are unsubstantiated.

ZaRocks - You and I have always been very different personality wise, but it's really starting to show with the limited time I have available. You work on your own schedule and everyone else is expected to bend to it. You never really want to leave the house and I'm starting to actually worry that we're too different to really be close friends anymore. We almost never talk about relevant things and that's not a good sign. I would like to take the time here to apologize for my dad constantly being up your ass about computer stuff...I wish I had nothing to do with that at all, but with you being one of my longest time friends and me living at home, it's almost unavoidable. You need to get out more. I don't want you to spend the rest of your life alone, and if you're content with that, I can't say I'll be around for too much longer.

Kinger7J - Something that cannot be denied about my life so far is that the times when we've been closest, I've been the most miserable. I let myself get wrapped up in your universe far too easily and while that's partly my fault, it's also largely because you don't live in the same reality as everyone else. I can't live your life, and I KNOW that we can't be friends because of it.

Stangs215 - A strange dichotomy, because I trust you more than almost everyone while at the same time maintaining a level of mistrust because of things that have occurred in the past. You have a very "world revolves around me" mentality, and while most of the time that's fine, you go over the line on a regular basis (lending out things that aren't yours, etc) . Honestly, most of the things you do are more like annoyances than actual flaws in our friendship, but I'd like to see them addressed so that we have an even healthier bond.

Chester6561 - I barely see you at all, but you have a similar problem to Chris, although you are extremely aware of it. I can't live a life similar to yours, either, but I probably have more respect for you than anyone else on this list. I wish you'd get it together or at least make some semblance of effort in that direction so that we can move forward as friends together. I have a huge belief in your abilities but I'm also extremely wary of your inherant laziness. I need you to keep me grounded, but whether it's me or not, I think you need someone to keep your reminded of some optimism in the world.

Bleigh05 - I constantly worry about you and your present/future. While there have been some things that give me hope that you want to move forward in life, you seem FAR too content with your current situation (and don't say "I'm really not" because if you weren't you would have made big changes by now). You and I have a totally different priority list right now, and unless it synchs up (which seems unlikely), I would imagine we'll be seeing even less of each other, as I need to surround myself with forward thinking people that are trying to challenge themselves. While you've progressed tremendously as a friend in the nearly 10 years we've known each other, I worry about you as a PERSON and where you are and where you are going. I can honestly say that overall I think you've regressed and you're wasting a lot of potential there.

AsianKyle - You moved to Seattle, you bastard. You're doing great as far as making something of yourself, but you're one of the least dependable friends I have. You have many of the same character flaws that I listed of myself, and like me, you are working to overcome them. You're probably the worst I've ever seen when it comes to avoiding confrontation, though. I wish you'd speak your mind more often rather than trying to be nice to everyone (like me).

lilsamoo - If I was writing this list 6 months ago, I'd have a giant laundry list of complaints, but we've pretty much addressed all of them directly, which I really am happy about. Do you have an insanely high opinion of yourself? Yes, sometimes misguidedly. The only real flaw that I see often in our friendship is that I'd be happier if you spoke your mind when we're talking IRL, sometimes I think I'm either boring you or you just don't have anything to add, and I'd rather hear you say "I have no idea what to tell you" than just nod and wait for me to be done blabbering.

STPRocker - Our personalities clash, a lot. I've learned to muffle it because I like you as a person and respect you as a friend. That being said, there are still days when you annoy the shit out of me with ranting and raving (usually during gaming) and we've drifted, a LOT in recent months because you've been doing the whole "love" thing (not that I blame you, but whatev). I AM extremely proud of you for graduating and getting your shit back together. That took work and you've earned it.

WestyPlz - It seems like you're getting more and more irritable and don't do as well with random beats as you used to...I'm not sure if you're stress level is extremely high or whatever, but you haven't seemed like the same guy the last few times we've hung out. You internalize stuff way too much and I'd much rather you just be honest with me. Pulling a band-aid off fast hurts a lot less than slowly pulling hair by hair.

Well, those are the people that are most likely to read this, but obviously I have issues with Hunka that I'll discuss with him personally because he doesn't use AIM or read my blog. I'm tired of writing and rather than leave on a high note (talking about love and maybe some pics of hotness), I think we'll just stop here and see how it goes. Leave comments or email me at sirplss@yahoo.com

Song of This Post:
xzamen - My Bad