Kill

"So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Gotta take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know people can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
Tell me just what has it ever meant?

I can't help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away"

--Jimmy Eat World - "Kill"

I made an interesting discovery a couple of days ago. I found a huge collection of CDs that I made during the years of 2000-2002. The strange thing is how I have changed, but yet how much hasn't changed. I made the cds at the time in regards to my romantic obsessions of the time (anyone remember the names Michelle Popovic and Sara Milano?) and I find myself trapped in the same quagmire of feelings now. Natalie and I have done a lot of discussing about how I shouldn't be so concerned with love, how maybe I'm just not ready to have that in my life, and how no one needs to validate me. I know that she's right. The thing is, changing something that has been engrained in my personality is very difficult. Most of you have never known me with a serious girlfriend, and the reason is because there hasn't been one in a very long time. Unfortunately, all of the time away from a relationship only makes me want it more, making it more difficult to bring about, and it's a stupid, vicious cycle.

I'd like to say that I'm ready to turn the corner or make some sort of real change so that I'm not a hopeless romantic who falls head over heels for girls that don't share those feelings, but I don't think it's happening. Feeling any other way just seems phony. And maybe that means that I'll be alone for another 5 years (feels like forever already) or whatnot, but at least the sweet will be that much sweeter when it does happen. At this point, I'm fed up with trying to be something I'm not...that means that if a girl is going to like me, she's going to have to accept me for all my nerdy, corny, overbearing (sometimes), and oversensitive ways. In return she'll get a loving, intelligent, witty, challenging guy with a lot of potential, someone who will treat her with respect and be a good listener when she has a bad day. I think that's a fine tradeoff.

I'm obsessed with the idea of a title of "boyfriend" but really I think I should/can be satisfied with someone to go to dinner with and watch TV with...if feelings beyond that develop, I can wait and see what happens, but optimally I would have a bunch of women that I can hang out with and develop relationships with, some friendships, some more than that, some successful, some failed. At least in that case I can pick up that social contact that I crave, work on my relationship development skills, and learn some new things that will help me in the future.

Hopefully this will be the last post on "love" for a while, but I make no promises. The whole idea consumes so much of my time and energy it's no wonder that so much of my other potential goes untapped. I need to work on prioritizing and not getting so caught up in my emotions, a goal that I think I CAN meet.

In other news, the great move-out continues to move at a slow pace, but at least we're back in forward motion rather than idle. Work has been difficult but rewarding, school is annoying but nothing more, and I miss my friends. I'm currently in the process of figuring out a good way to build up some wealth.

Hope everyone out there is doing well, and I'd love to hear from you. Lunches with Alex on Mondays are insanely fresh, and I'd like to add regular planned lunches on Tuesdays and Thursdays, since I don't have school and it would make me happy...if anyone is interested, please let me know!

Songs of the Second:
Foreigner - I Want to Know What Love Is
Straylight Run - It Never Gets Easier
Jimmy Eat World - Kill
Semisonic - Singing in My Sleep (FROM THE VAULT)

without the sour, how would you know the sweet?

Just to change things up a bit, I think I'll try and write a positive post for once...just to remind people that life isn't all negatives and heartbreak in my neck of the woods.

Positive things in my life. They DO exist, even though I tend to dwell on the negatives rather than counting my blessings. Today I want to spotlight a few of them.

My Job - Yes, I complain a lot about it, but in reality, most days I look forward to going to work. From the ever-awesome SPRUCE to my new close friends Natalie and Becky to the pharmacists that I love and respect (looking at you Misty, Amanda, Stephanie, and countless others), my job is full of people that are ridiculous in a good way. The absurdity of certain people (see: Stewart, Cheyenne and Watts, Natalie) makes everyday an adventure. The scenery is ridiculous (sorry Nat, I know you'll read this and it's very classic guy-ish) and pretty much everywhere you look you see another attractive woman.

Even beyond all that, we have my partners in crime at night, Jeremy and McKeal. Our shift is like a family and Missy/Stacey/Kara help keep it that way. I see a lot of unrest in the daytime, but something I find interesting is that none of us at night wear iPods or other musical devices. We just chat with each other and we enjoy each other's company.

As far as professionalism goes, I'd like to think I'm well-respected within the company for the job that I do. Most of the bosses at Omnicare Wadsworth treat me as an important cog in the company and I've been taking on a lot of responsibility lately. My coworkers probably find me annoying some of the time, but my work cannot really be questioned as I bust my butt to make the company as much of a success as I can. The pharmacists treat me great, almost as an equal despite their advanced training and education, and that's an awesome attitude to have, as I consider my job to help them whenever possible over all other responsibilities. After all, I AM a pharmacy tech!

School - Not all of my classes are hits, but my interracial communication class is fun and interesting with a great professor that actually knows the subject matter. He also has an abnormal amount of life experience, which helps to keep things FRESH and always-changing.

My family - My dad and I always have had a strained relationship, and I'm sure that will continue, but we love each other and I always have respected him and try to follow his guidance whenever I can. He gets involved in my business a little too much, especially my finances, (hence why the apartment search is in full force now) but besides that we're ok. My mom is wonderful, really turning up as a major impact in my life again after a couple of years away. Granted, I still keep an awful lot away from my parents, but when I need them, they usually show up to help. My brother is pretty fresh, but I never see him anymore, but that being said, he's doing well and I want to see him succeed.

My physical health - Sure, I still have weight issues, but they are really being addressed well, and the difference is substantial. And sure, I have anxiety issues, but with proper medication things are going pretty well most days.

My friends - I've been harsh in judging many of my friends in the past couple of months. Does that mean that I love them any less? OF COURSE NOT. My friends still comprise the vast majority of my happiness in life, and no matter how different we all become, our friendships have stood the tests of time and I'm sure they will continue to be great and healthy in the coming years. I am also very thankful for the opportunity to meet some new friends through work and especially gaining some of the long-lost female friends that I missed having (thank God for the female perspective sometimes, no offense guys, but once in a while you NEED to hear things from the unique POV of the female mind).

My finances (!?!!?) - Yes, you read that right. After taking care of my school issues, setting myself back a couple hundred in the process, as well as paying my insurance bill and credit card bill off, along with the usual car payment/phone, we're still in the positive for once! Yes, I know, unreal. Hence the apartment search once again. I'm looking at moving down closer to work, even though that will mean a longer jaunt to school simply because it would completely alter things to be able to go to the gym BEFORE school as well as making the trip to work that much easier. A change of scenery would also do me good, I think, and having some new things to do while not moving far enough away from the things I already love would be a good thing.

I just want to say once again that all of my friends reading this mean so much to me, and (awkward segue) because of that I don't want to forget the....

SONGS OF THE SECOND:
The Killers - Sam's Town
As Tall As Lions - 96 Heartbeats
Matt Wertz - Lonely Tonight
Jimmy Eat World - Kill
Samiam - She Found You (from the VAULT)