Fighting Emo

Sometimes it's hard not to become extremely emo. What do I mean by that? Well, in the context of this blog, "emo" means sad and depressed, usually having to do with women or perhaps the utter pointlessness of life in general. A few of my readers out there have commented on the honesty inside this blog. Part of the reason for that honesty is due to the fact that, for me at least, getting these feelings down on paper is a good way to expel them from my thoughts, at least to the degree that I can move forward with my life and not become bogged down (with the kicker). Holding back at all would defeat that purpose completely.

The latest thing that brings us to Emoville, population: Me, is television. Those of you that know me well understand that because of my work schedule I do not watch much television. Two of the shows that I do watch are Lost and The Office, which both wrapped up their seasons in the last week and a half. I gathered something significant from both shows in the past two weeks, and I feel like sharing, so away we go.

I'll start with The Office. While it may be the funniest show on TV, and the main reason I watch, the subplot/office romance between Jim and Pam (or "Jam" as devotees of the show refer to them) is the part of the show that hits closest to home. The way Jim acts around Pam, their friendship and his feelings for her are literally taken directly from the book of Joe. The asshole boyfriend, the "how much your friendship means" talk, the flirting, the way they get along...actually scary to watch. Tim once said to me, "I bet this hits a little close to home." Damn right.

More significant this time around was Lost. Lost featured a character, who upon learning of his imminent demise, wrote out a list of the five best days of his life. This stupid little plot device inspired me to do exactly the same thing. So, three and a half paragraphs in, we finally get to the meat and bones of this post, my top 5 list, along with the feelings (there's that naughty word again) that making the list inspired.

5.

Time: Freshman Year of High School
Event: A random Jeopardy study session for an exam.
Wha Happan?: My freshman history teacher, sensing a special intellect, put me on a team all by myself against the rest of the class in Jeopardy. I won, but the significance in this day is not the winning. It was the confidence in my own abilities as well as my natural gifts from God that made this day so memorably good. I felt as though something intellectual belongs on the list as my intellegence has always been a big part of my life and helps define who I am.


4.

Time: Age 5
Event: An Indians Game, Box Seats, Front Row, First Base Line
Wha Happan?: As a small child, I managed to fall asleep sometime in the 6th-7th Inning. An umpire, randomly seeing this, came over to me, asked Cory Snyder to throw the ball in, and gave me the ball. He said, "Hopefully this will help keep you awake!" The whole crowd cheered and I still have the ball somewhere around my house. So began my life as a sports fanatic. Since that day, I have spent more time on sports than any other hobby I have. Between playing, watching, listening, betting on, and playing video games of sports, my life has been filled with the love of the game. It's a big part of who I am as well, so why not start with the origins of the whole thing.

3.

Time: Age 22
Event: Mirrodin Block PTQ: Detroit
Wha Happan?: During the summer of 2004, my friends and I spent an inordinate amount of time together. I had no job, was collecting unemployment, and we would go to BW3 every day. We would playtest the relevant format of the time (Magic: The Gathering Mirrodin Block), watch sports, chat, and overall have good times. We broke the format with a deck dubbed "The Freshmaker." Our hard work was rewarded as I won the PTQ in Detroit, losing 0 matches along the way and dominating in a way rarely seen on the PTQ circuit. It was a great day for all of us since we all earned that qualification together. We celebrated afterwards and a good time was had by all. Magic, and the friends/times that have come from playing have helped me make it through recent years and deserve a spot on the list. I have met some awesome people in the game, most of whom are very intelligent. I just wish I got to see everyone more, people like Fulop/Bierchick/Brockway/Cutler and the rest of the guys who are beyond my normal group of hanging out friends, but good times when we do see each other.

2.

Time: Between my freshman and sophomore years of High School
Event: Family Trip to Dover Lake Park
Wha Happan?: My dad had a stroke my first week of High School. It was an EXTREMELY rough time for me, as his stroke was very severe and he spent a couple of months on death's door. I'm obviously extremely thankful to God that he did not take away my father, but not only that, he allowed him to regain most (if not all) of his function. This became evident to me on a family trip to Dover Lake. My dad drove, which he hadn't been doing much of, and told stories from his youth on the trip...he was coherant, funny, and logical and everything was back to the way it used to be growing up. I'll never forget the relief that I felt hearing those stories and his laughter as he told them. We've had our problems, many of them severe, but I love and respect my father so much and I'm glad we got these extra 12+ years to spend together and learn to appreciate each other. I hope he gets to see me make him proud, get married, and have grandkids. They would really be missing out to not have him as a Grandpa. The rest of my family is special, too, but as far as significant days that brought me new appreciation for the whole idea of family, nothing tops that trip to Dover Lake.

1.
Time: June, 1999
Event: My High School Graduation Party
Wha Happan?: Friends, Family, and a celebration of 13 years of hard work and dedication, combined with God-given talent. I felt pride and happiness and most importantly, HOPE. Hope that the future would bring great things to me. Hope that I could accomplish anything I set my mind to...hope that the journey was just starting, a journey that would bring me success and happiness beyond my wildest dreams.

The road has been very bumpy, and I've made a lot of mistakes since that day, but for that one day, everything was perfect. I can only say that I wish everyone had the experience of days like these. I am truly blessed.

So why did I make this list? Simple really; I wanted to evaluate what I wanted from myself in all facets of life. Am I happy with the person I've become? What areas need improvement? What makes me happy? To set goals for myself I first have to understand what makes me tick and where I want to go. When I was going over the list with Natalie at work (we're still friends, you know), I actually was starting to get a little misty (gay gay gay gay gay gay I know) because I have so much disappointment in my heart. I need to fix that so that life doesn't feel like such a chore sometimes.

I think there probably will end up being more to this post, but I'll stop here to get it published.

Songs of the Second:
Chevelle - Well Enough Alone
Relient K - Bite My Tongue
Cute is What We Aim For - Curse of Curves
Anberlin - We Dreamt in Heist

We Dreamt in Heist

SOOOOOO......SAN DIEGO?

That's right, I am now the proud winner of another vacation, this time to San Diego in late June, thanks to a dominating victory in Butler, PA with my partner-in-crime John Hunka. Magic may have been one of the biggest time-wasters in my young life, but it has let me see the world in ways I would never have gotten to do had I not played. So that's pretty exciting.

So what's going on in the deep, dark, depths of my mind? The current thing that I want to work on is being more positive and not letting myself get so worked up over dumb things (which is pretty much everything). Positive people have a much greater chance of success and I think that wallowing in sorrow all the time pretty much guarantees that I'll be alone for the forseeable future. So friends, if you see me with an extremo away msg up or chat with me and I start getting worked up over something trivial, call me out on it! I'm trying to self-monitor, but I can bet that I will slip up quite a bit, and a reminder not to make a huge deal out of nothing will help me a ton. Not everything can be perfect all the time, and rarely do things work out as planned, and I need to keep that in mind, so I am putting it here on (virtual) paper to remind me whenever I need it.

In other news, I'm still fighting the good fight. Trying not to get myself mixed up in any strong feelings for anyone that aren't going to be reciprocated, but as always, it's a struggle. Again, if I just take a step back and not get so wrapped up in things, I should be fine. Keeping some parts of your heart closed off isn't such a bad idea, at least for the early stages of any relationship. I've started to think I should just walk up to people that I find interesting and attractive and just ask them out for coffee. Good conversation is hard to come by and I sort of pride myself on it...but if I give myself too much time to think about things, all that comes to mind is how much I want to "be with" the person, and that's not healthy.

Work is very average, although I was Employee of the Month for May (LOL), so I get a parking spot and a free personal day, which I will be using for San Diego. I'm training on something else this week, trying to make myself more well-rounded when dealing with various billing issues. Ok, I'm boring myself so I'm not going to talk about that anymore.

Saturday was one of the finest days I've had in a while. Of course, everything is better when you're winning, but my friends were awesome nonetheless. Everytime I start to lose faith in them, I know that something will happen to bring us back together. God works in mysterious ways.

I want to take a second here to mention how my faith has helped me through some of the rough times (heartbreak, financial problems, friend issues, family problems, sicknesses) in my life. I know that not everyone is a believer in the same system of beliefs as I have, but I hope you all have some sort of faith in your lives. It just makes things so much easier to handle when you believe that everything, good and bad, is something to offer up to a higher power. I believe that God will get me through everything.


Songs of the Second:
Anberlin - Autobahn (from the VAULT)
Relient K - Come Right Out and Say It
Say Anything - Wow, I Can Get Sexual, Too