Lessons from Cedric

I could never live my life the same way that Cedric does. He has such a reckless way of going about business, but boy, when he wants something, he really GOES. FOR. IT. And when he makes the decision to go all out and do something, there is no obstacle that can stand in his way. Where I might still disagree with the basic reckless nature of his pursuits, and I certainly don't agree with the places he spends his energy, there is a lot I can learn from Ced. A late night pep talk when I was on full-tilt showed me that once again.

Stangs215 (3:11:44 AM): i mean

Stangs215 (3:11:50 AM): you are my actual best friend

Stangs215 (3:11:53 AM): and you let the same shit

Stangs215 (3:11:58 AM): just drive you insane

Ced could not be more right about this. I let the same things bother me every day, and have for the past 10 years. Changing the main issue here (being upset about things I cannot control/losing faith when presented with roadblocks) would do me a ton of good.

Stangs215 (3:22:12 AM): your life aint gonna get ne better if you keep bitching about shit nonstop

Stangs215 (3:22:22 AM): and just start taking action

Stangs215 (3:22:26 AM): and i know you know that

Stangs215 (3:22:34 AM): but as someone who is a big god believer

Stangs215 (3:22:40 AM): and has faith

Stangs215 (3:22:46 AM): i would think you TRULY believe this

Stangs215 (3:23:03 AM): i dont like to see you unhappy

Stangs215 (3:23:06 AM): but at the same time

Stangs215 (3:23:19 AM): i dont honestly believe the real joebags is putting his best foot forward


Again, he's totally right. It's awkward to waste the amount of talent that I waste. He hits home especially hard with his next assertions. Obviously as I'm writing this, my internet crashes and I lose the ability to quote our conversation. CED TO THE RESCUE AGAIN with chat log. So back to the regularly scheduled post:

JOE GAG2 (3:41:17 AM): but you can never stop trying to beat the variance in life right?

JOE GAG2 (3:41:45 AM): if you stop trying to beat the variance then you are just giving in to chance and random events/decisions other people make

JOE GAG2 (3:41:56 AM): "riding the train"

Stangs215 (3:41:58 AM): you jsut cant care about the variance

Stangs215 (3:42:16 AM): you control as much as you can

Stangs215 (3:42:24 AM): and then as long as you truly believe you have done as much as you
can

Stangs215 (3:42:27 AM): you worry about nothing else

JOE GAG2 (3:42:35 AM): but i never believe that

JOE GAG2 (3:42:38 AM): unless i win

Stangs215 (3:42:57 AM): but you do

Stangs215 (3:43:14 AM): you keep on winning

JOE GAG2 (3:43:25 AM): i just think that doing as much as you can has to result in winning i
guess

Stangs215 (3:43:37 AM): but that isnt realistic

Stangs215 (3:43:45 AM): it isnt even about the winning to a certain degree

Stangs215 (3:43:50 AM): isnt it just better for mental health

Stangs215 (3:43:51 AM): to know

Stangs215 (3:43:54 AM): that you as a person

Stangs215 (3:44:00 AM): did the absolute best you could do



This is something that simply put, I just need to work on and work on until I get it. I associate doing my best with "winning." That's just a way to set yourself up for failure in life in general. First of all, you can't win everything - not everything has a winner or a loser. Second of all, sometimes even the best don't win, even when they play their best. Sometimes Tiger Woods gets beaten by duder playing the tourney of his life, and sometimes Kai lost to inferior player too. That's what keeps the rest of the world motivated to persist. I can't let perceived injustice stop me from learning and moving forward. But Ced wasn't close to done yet.



Stangs215 (3:48:02 AM): if you keep doing the same things, you are just going to keep being miserable

Stangs215 (3:48:10 AM): and there is no reason for that

Stangs215 (3:48:32 AM): you have all the potential in the world to do whatever the fuck you want to do

Stangs215 (3:48:53 AM): why let the idiots defeat you

JOE GAG2 (3:49:12 AM): its not the idiots that defeat me

JOE GAG2 (3:49:14 AM): it's me.

JOE GAG2 (3:49:30 AM): little setbacks send me into terrible sadness or anger

Stangs215 (3:49:35 AM): if you are kolding yourself

Stangs215 (3:49:38 AM): the idiots are winning

Stangs215 (3:49:45 AM): cause thats the only way they can beat you

Stangs215 (3:49:54 AM): they cant beat you themselves



The main reason I am posting all of this is not just to give Ced a nod for wisdom (although it's nice) but to have this to look back on when some random idiot at work or in life or whatever drives me to the point of insanity and I start to have anxiety or fury or whatever. I have let a lot of people who aren't worthy of holding influence in my life do just that because I'm afraid to stand on my own merits. I am going to change that, by any means necessary.

I'll end with this. I promise next time to have some HOT GIRL countdowns or MUSIC RECOMMENDATIONS (hint: it all sucks right now, but I'm working on finding some new stuff).



Stangs215 (3:51:34 AM): do you know how many people want to do something and cant because they arent capable

Stangs215 (3:51:40 AM): we are in the top 1 percentile

JOE GAG2 (3:51:50 AM): yeah i guess i take it for granted

Stangs215 (3:52:10 AM): if we want to do LITERALLY ANYTHING

Stangs215 (3:52:11 AM): we can

Stangs215 (3:52:27 AM): there is nothing neither of us cant do

Stangs215 (3:52:36 AM): god has given us the ability

Stangs215 (3:52:44 AM): im not going to let him down



Neither am I.

I'm Back (Again)

Wow, it's been a moderately crazy couple of months, but I had today off from work and decided it would be TIME FOR AN UPDATE. I saw the mighty Brian Six this weekend (not to be confused with Johnny Seven derfy derf), and he asked me if I still had a blog. So here I am. Rock you like a hurricane.

So I've been searching for some answers lately. Where to start? You guessed it, revisiting former blog entries! I went back and reread some of the stuff I've written in the past, and it's amazing that I've had this blog for going on 6 years. Unfortunately, I'm still DOING THE SAME STUFF that I was 5 years ago. THAT HAS TO CHANGE.

What am I so afraid of? Change? Failure? Making a decision? I have no idea. But fear has been ruling my life for a long time. I have to take more chances and get back to being Joe Gagliardi - I was a man who said how he felt for a very long time, but it just became easier to say what people wanted to hear and grin and bear it. Enough of that. Enough of the easy way out.

I'd like to take this opportunity to tell certain people to fuck off. I'm done acquiescing. Take your lack of respect for me and my work and stick it up your ass. I'm a better, smarter, and kinder person than you will ever be. I've tried to be friendly and be apologetic even when I'm not wrong. That ends now. Enjoy your meaningless, goalless life because it's what you have to look forward to for the next 40 years. And oh, by the way, another fuck you to those people who haven't supported me despite my best efforts to increase the quality of their lives on a daily basis. I'm not perfect, but I certainly haven't been selfish in my dealings with these people. If they refuse to give back the respect that I have shown them, then I am done giving it.

But it's not all negative here in JoeWorld (TM). I talked to some old friends this week. Some of them old but still very good friends (paging DOCTOR Mazzola), others are from the VAULT (SJB Girls? What on earth?), and others still are returning as we speak (Michele Popovic, come on down!). I miss the old me. I felt a lot of pain when I was "the old me," but at least there was feeling. Modern me has the "shit it" attitude that is so prevelant nowadays. Where has shitting it got me, you might ask? Lead Technician at a long-term care pharmacy, thank you very much! Omnicare was great to me, and helped me get back on my feet during my darkest days, but perhaps it's time to move on to something bigger and better...I just feel like I'm destined to do so.

Another positive thing that I want to talk about is how great a roommate Jeremy has been. I have been truly blessed with great roommates during my life, from Brian Halm the magical leprachaun to Sean "Sexxy Lumina" Knurek all the way to current day Jeremy Rexroad. No cohabitational relationship is going to be perfect, but Jeremy is a hell of a guy who is always there for me when I need him, and has been ultra-accomodating during our time living together. I will truly miss living with him!

Also making a big return is a little spirituality. I truly believe that God has a plan for me, and where I may not ever actually know the plan, I am pretty sure that there is more to it than where I am right now.

I can't promise when I will write again, but I will try and make it more regular. There is a lot of burning issues in my mind, and one of them is perhaps trying to make a go of getting off of the psychosematic medications that I have been on for going on 8 years. I know that I have anxiety issues, but maybe, just maybe, I can work through them if I'm patient enough with the withdrawls and move on to just acute attack medication (Xanax, most likely).

Song of this very moment, hearkening back to 2005 - Anberlin - Paperthin Anthem.