Broken Man

"Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer,
do you know you're unlike any other,
you'll always be my thunder.

Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another,
you'll always be my thunder.

So bring on the rain,
and bring on the thunder."

Boys Like Girls - "Thunder"


Greetings everyone. I have been going through the usual startling revelations recently, and the past couple weeks have been a doozy. I guess since this is supposed to be a journal of sorts, writing about things will help me understand them and work through them better, so here goes...

A little leery about posting something very personal on here, but most of my good friends already know this story and it's something that I want to share so that maybe I can get myself over it. Names left out because like I said, you know what's up if you know what's up.

So I met a girl. Shocking, I know, Joe has a girl that he's enamored with. Shut up. But yeah, I met a girl. I wanted to know what love is, and I wanted her to show me. She didn't want to. The end.

WAIT

Ok, let's try that again. I met a girl. She's beautiful, but that's not even the start of it. Obviously physical attraction is both necessary for the initial value and also a nice bonus for any future encounters/relationship that may occur. Physically, she's certainly my type. You guys know, brunette, electric smile, some curves (no little boy bodies need apply kthx), and eyes that light up a room. We've been here before. Buuuuuuuuuut unlike many of the past girls, there was no forcing it in this case. It wasn't just the closest physical match that I had a chance to spend time with, compromising my standards elsewhere in the process to create an image that was both unrealistic and farfetched. Not to mention the hoops that I myself had to jump through in order to make compatibility happen (learning to like COUNTRY MUSIC for Michelle, theater nonsense for Liz, taking early childhood education classes with Sara, etc etc etc this list is insane).

Not only could I just be myself, in all my nerdy, singing crazy songs and making up weird catchphrases way, but I could actually have an intelligent conversation with her, not having to dumb anything down at all, and she just GOT IT. My music tastes, my crazy, obscure references to things that barely anyone even remembers or had seen in the first place, and just a winning, ambitious attitude that actually inspired me to take some big steps in my life. And even better than all of that....she actually LIKED ME BACK. Now, not quite "leave my bf of 3 years for you" levels, but definitely for the first time probably in my life, she and I had a legitimate spark.

Of course, then I had to go and fuck it all up. I started making my stories more ridiculous, my claims more insane, even going so far as to just straight up lie about the extent of a few things. I wanted nothing more than to impress this girl, to get her to like me. The thing is, she already did and all I was doing was creating things that could come between us. I hate to say it, but I might be a compulsive liar or exaggerator or whatever. Sometimes I get so far from the truth it's scary. Anyways, back to the story.

Obviously the lies/dumb shit come to light, and I look like a moron. Again. But it's not over yet, because a lot of the goodwill I built up before all of the nonsense keeps the two of us basically friendly. She even becomes single and my hopes are renewed, with the sense that going back to the basics is what I should do, trying to avoid lying and creating a reality for myself rather than living in what is actually there (something I need to do, badly, but more on that later). In a very anti-climactic series of events, she ends up starting to party an awful lot (something I really don't care for) and starts dating some giant foon that I pretty much despise, not for who he is, but for what he represents (my failure).

So where did things go wrong? Well, first of all, I started getting all lost in what I thought she wanted me to be and wanted to hear rather than what I actually felt and actually am. I was still running "The Game" bullshit and while a lot of that stuff is valuable advice, using it to fundementally alter your personality might get you laid, but won't make you happy, and certainly will drain away what makes each person unique and special. That made me do things that were manipulative and untrue, and getting caught doing such things is bad enough, but realizing how bad they are has started to hit me very hard.

I'm not so much sick of talking about it as I am wanting to get something else out there before I lose the will to write.

I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry to all of you guys, my friends through the good times and the bad, for being an asshole a lot of the time. I'm very selfish and manipulative and I've lied to all of you countless times. Most of you are friends with me anyways. The reality that I've often presented to you is false. Many of you probably already knew that, but for those that didn't, I'm sorry. Something that I am really, REALLY going to work on in the next few months is living in truth rather than lies. If that makes my own life more difficult, so be it. Taking the easy way out has to stop, and while I've made strides elsewhere with my lack of discipline and hard work, this will probably be a very difficult step.

I'm used to saying things to be the center of attention, and that's ok when the things are true...showcasing my personality is nothing to be ashamed about, but going the extra mile and trying to steal other people's thunder by "going over the top" or exuding fake empathy ("I've been there, like this one time...") is just wrong and it needs to stop. If I'm to make anything of my goal of being a better person, some fundemental flaws need to be addressed. Lying is unacceptable and if I have to get professional help to stop, I will. I'm hoping that I can figure it all out inside myself, however. I pledge to stop. I owe it to all of you to try and be the best friend I can be. If I don't want to do something, I'm going to just say so, and if I don't like something, I'll be up front about it. No more talking behind people's backs if I haven't said how I felt to their face. It's not a healthy way of living or a healthy way of thinking.

On a completely unrelated note...I might finally be getting over the whole gambling thing. It's fun in a pointless sort of way, but you really can't win in the long haul. It adds something to the sporting experience, but really, fantasy sports will be the extent of my gambling from here on out I think.

I need to thank a couple of people for helping me get deep down into the being of my character, see some glaring flaws that needed correcting, and giving me the means to do it.

Natalie "Luna Grande" Watts, you're a wonderful friend that I'm blessed to have met. You provide an excellent example of healthy living and have a tremendous spiritual outlook on life. People can make fun of me for having strong religious convictions, but I think I'm going to stick to them this time...the time away from God has been difficult but like many of the characters in the Bible, I hope to find redemption and happiness in my life. You've helped me in a way that I cannot describe, but thank you.

My Mother. Everyone has flaws, but she's always been there for me and tries her best to understand what's going on in my life. She always taught me that lying was wrong, but I still do/did it when it made things easier. The last time I lied to her actually caused a full anxiety attack and I could see the pain in her face when I did it...she knew I was lying but wanted me to be telling the truth so badly. She also helped point me the direction of spiritualization through reflection and has always helped me get through the rough times.

Brendan Leigh. For always listening to my crazyguy lengthy diatrabes through our numerous phone conversations through the years. I wasn't always the best friend for you back in the days, but something I'm very proud of is our relationship now with things being very even and me giving as good as I take. I'm very excited for you and your new job. Hopefully once you get on your normal schedule we can actually hang out again.

Tim Aten. Keeping me grounded and pointing out a lot of things before I was ready to hear them. I'm glad we're reconnecting as friends and I hope to make our lunches a regular thing. You've been one of the few people that I have always felt that I could be honest with and consequently, someone who has heard very few lies and knows many of my worst secrets/lies/etc. I appreciate it and wish I could return the favor.

My dad. Supporting me to the age of 25 is a little on the rough side, and even though you've complained a lot, you keep doing it. I've probably burned you more than anyone, and yet you stick with me and we've been on much better terms. I hope that I can reward your trust someday soon, especially because all of your health problems worry me to an insane degree.

Everyone else that has been a wonderful friend despite me not always being as good of a person as I could be...too numerous to mention. You guys have been true friends and even though many of our lives are totally different now, I have not changed in my desire to see all of you as successes in your own rights. Thank you.

The loss of my latest love may have been a good thing after all. I can say with complete honesty that I am going to keep going about things in the right way and try to be the best person I can be. If that means I get walked on sometimes, so be it.

Vaguely related corollary: Spending has gotten out of control, and I need to start budgeting so I can move out and be an adult. Don't be surprised if I start being a little stingier with the wallet. However, unlike the lying, this change doesn't have to be so stark and immediate, but I hope to gradually BUILD UP A SAVINGS instead of just wasting more and more money on eating out and other insane things. That does not mean that I will stop being generous, however, because I don't believe in being covetous and greedy.

"I won't let you bring me down
It's here and now, I'm breaking out
I will learn to love again
But I will stand a broken man"

Boys Like Girls - "Broken Man"

Potential

Can't sleep, even though the next couple days promise to be pretty rough. So here I sit, ruminating on a variety of topics.

Man, my keyboard is FILTHY. I'm not sure if I should just buy a new one or if there is some way to get this layer of dirt, scum, and who knows what else off of here. I may simply SOS pad it up and see what happens. I never think to clean it when the CPU is powered down, though, and I can't really do much while it's on.

I won both my first games in Fantasy Football, both in embarassing fashion, being the 2nd lowest scoring team in both leagues, but getting a win anyways. I guess a W is a W, but never a good start not getting to play my first round pick in either league (Steve Smith). What a jerkface.

I think I may start doing some heavy reading in the near future. I have quite a list of books I want to get to, and now seems like a good time with me having so little free time that I can do anything with, and more free time (like during class, lol) that reading fits right in with what I'm doing.

I've spent a lot of time in my life pining. In fact, an unreal amount of time has been spent just yearning and hoping for the girl that I can't have. The sad part is, I never even find out if I could have them because I always wait for a time when the answer is sure to be "no" before I ask. I've decided to grow a set and start making some moves at a speed beyond glacial for once. We'll see how it works out, but I figure rejection can't be as bad as going from daydream to reality and trying to ignore the transitions.

Saturday is the big Return of Simple CD Release Party.

Financially, things are a little bit of a mess since returning from Vegas. Even though I was a winner, I spent liberally on the trip and bought 3 pair of shoes upon my return in my efforts to stay fresh to death. I have insurance due soon and owe a couple of fellows some tidy sums that I would like to take care of, plus a prerelease and other expenses on the horizon. Everything should be OK, but I need to be a little more frugal for the next few weeks.

I need to get my ass in bed and try and sleep because I spend the next 36 or so hours in constant movement. Before I go, some....

SONGS OF THE SECOND:
1. Jimmy Eat World - 23 (would love to put something else here, but it's been on repeat for like 2 weeks running now)
2. The Academy Is... - Down and Out
3. Gym Class Heroes - Cupid's Chokehold
4. Straylight Run - It Never Gets Any Easier
5. My Chemical Romance - Welcome to the Black Parade

23

"I won't always love what I've never had,
I won't always live in my regrets."

--Jimmy Eat World - "23"

A good mantra to live by.

I've spent the last X hrs listening to Jimmy Eat World's "23" on repeat, so this post might be a little emotional and irrational.

I'm obsessed with "love." It's the truth and no matter how much I try and deny it or put it in the back of my mind, it's always there waiting for me. I've spent the entirety of my life alone. I can honestly say that no girl has ever said "I love you" to me. And does it hurt? Of course it does. Is it that unexpected? No.

I spent ages 12-24 as the fat kid. I grew and grew and grew, reaching up to as high as 350 lbs before finally doing something about it. During the time I was the fat kid, something else grew...the chip on my shoulder, as though I was entitled to have someone love me like you see in the movies. Of course, said chip only made things more difficult for me, as I pushed away people who potentially could have loved me for who I am. One plus side to being a fat kid is that you have to develop some other skills and not depend on your looks to get by. I became a well-rounded, interesting, and witty person who had/has a lot to say on almost any subject. Do I regret not trying to lose weight before so that I could take advantage of my natural gifts and maybe meet someone? Yes. It's one of my few actual regrets.

But we live in the current reality. The past is where we leave a little bit of ourselves, like when a snake sheds its skin. Yes, the snake is in the present, but behind it there is a small piece, a remnant of what was. I'm currently trying to shed my skin. I've lost nearly 125 lbs since February of 2005. I look pretty good right now, but I'm not satisfied quite yet. I'm back in school, finishing what I started 7 years ago. I have a decent job with a bunch of interesting, attractive people who I respect and hopefully have befriended. Things are going extremely well. Sure, I don't have as much time as I'd like, and I don't get to see everyone I love as often as would be optimal, but overall, I'm actually HAPPY. There's just that one thing.

And yes, I know I sound like a chump. I don't care anymore. Doing what Neil Strauss would do might be fine for Neil Strauss, but for me, I want to stay the way I am. Yes, I understand that it means more suffering and patience, getting blown out by "lets just be friends," and wondering if I'll ever meet that someone, but I just can't. I can't bring myself to change the very fiber of my being to start reciting some canned lines and doing the same thing every other guy does just to get laid.

I'm going to try something radical. I'm just going to be me. If it's not good enough for some girls, I'm sorry but I guess it wasn't meant to be. Instead of saying what I think they want to hear, or what someone says I'm supposed to say, or going against my instincts, I think I'll just say what I feel or think in an honest manner, in all it's nerdy, inexperienced, naive, glory. If I come off as a dumbass sometimes, so be it...trying to be the "perfect guy" hasn't worked for me and it's too much work to put on a front.

"The Game" is over. It's not about trying to find some hole to stick your naughty parts in tonight. I'm looking for substance and I'll be damned if some doesn't come along.

Who knows if any of this post makes sense, but I'll probably edit it later and act like I never wrote it.

"You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine."