Broken Man

"Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer,
do you know you're unlike any other,
you'll always be my thunder.

Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another,
you'll always be my thunder.

So bring on the rain,
and bring on the thunder."

Boys Like Girls - "Thunder"


Greetings everyone. I have been going through the usual startling revelations recently, and the past couple weeks have been a doozy. I guess since this is supposed to be a journal of sorts, writing about things will help me understand them and work through them better, so here goes...

A little leery about posting something very personal on here, but most of my good friends already know this story and it's something that I want to share so that maybe I can get myself over it. Names left out because like I said, you know what's up if you know what's up.

So I met a girl. Shocking, I know, Joe has a girl that he's enamored with. Shut up. But yeah, I met a girl. I wanted to know what love is, and I wanted her to show me. She didn't want to. The end.

WAIT

Ok, let's try that again. I met a girl. She's beautiful, but that's not even the start of it. Obviously physical attraction is both necessary for the initial value and also a nice bonus for any future encounters/relationship that may occur. Physically, she's certainly my type. You guys know, brunette, electric smile, some curves (no little boy bodies need apply kthx), and eyes that light up a room. We've been here before. Buuuuuuuuuut unlike many of the past girls, there was no forcing it in this case. It wasn't just the closest physical match that I had a chance to spend time with, compromising my standards elsewhere in the process to create an image that was both unrealistic and farfetched. Not to mention the hoops that I myself had to jump through in order to make compatibility happen (learning to like COUNTRY MUSIC for Michelle, theater nonsense for Liz, taking early childhood education classes with Sara, etc etc etc this list is insane).

Not only could I just be myself, in all my nerdy, singing crazy songs and making up weird catchphrases way, but I could actually have an intelligent conversation with her, not having to dumb anything down at all, and she just GOT IT. My music tastes, my crazy, obscure references to things that barely anyone even remembers or had seen in the first place, and just a winning, ambitious attitude that actually inspired me to take some big steps in my life. And even better than all of that....she actually LIKED ME BACK. Now, not quite "leave my bf of 3 years for you" levels, but definitely for the first time probably in my life, she and I had a legitimate spark.

Of course, then I had to go and fuck it all up. I started making my stories more ridiculous, my claims more insane, even going so far as to just straight up lie about the extent of a few things. I wanted nothing more than to impress this girl, to get her to like me. The thing is, she already did and all I was doing was creating things that could come between us. I hate to say it, but I might be a compulsive liar or exaggerator or whatever. Sometimes I get so far from the truth it's scary. Anyways, back to the story.

Obviously the lies/dumb shit come to light, and I look like a moron. Again. But it's not over yet, because a lot of the goodwill I built up before all of the nonsense keeps the two of us basically friendly. She even becomes single and my hopes are renewed, with the sense that going back to the basics is what I should do, trying to avoid lying and creating a reality for myself rather than living in what is actually there (something I need to do, badly, but more on that later). In a very anti-climactic series of events, she ends up starting to party an awful lot (something I really don't care for) and starts dating some giant foon that I pretty much despise, not for who he is, but for what he represents (my failure).

So where did things go wrong? Well, first of all, I started getting all lost in what I thought she wanted me to be and wanted to hear rather than what I actually felt and actually am. I was still running "The Game" bullshit and while a lot of that stuff is valuable advice, using it to fundementally alter your personality might get you laid, but won't make you happy, and certainly will drain away what makes each person unique and special. That made me do things that were manipulative and untrue, and getting caught doing such things is bad enough, but realizing how bad they are has started to hit me very hard.

I'm not so much sick of talking about it as I am wanting to get something else out there before I lose the will to write.

I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry to all of you guys, my friends through the good times and the bad, for being an asshole a lot of the time. I'm very selfish and manipulative and I've lied to all of you countless times. Most of you are friends with me anyways. The reality that I've often presented to you is false. Many of you probably already knew that, but for those that didn't, I'm sorry. Something that I am really, REALLY going to work on in the next few months is living in truth rather than lies. If that makes my own life more difficult, so be it. Taking the easy way out has to stop, and while I've made strides elsewhere with my lack of discipline and hard work, this will probably be a very difficult step.

I'm used to saying things to be the center of attention, and that's ok when the things are true...showcasing my personality is nothing to be ashamed about, but going the extra mile and trying to steal other people's thunder by "going over the top" or exuding fake empathy ("I've been there, like this one time...") is just wrong and it needs to stop. If I'm to make anything of my goal of being a better person, some fundemental flaws need to be addressed. Lying is unacceptable and if I have to get professional help to stop, I will. I'm hoping that I can figure it all out inside myself, however. I pledge to stop. I owe it to all of you to try and be the best friend I can be. If I don't want to do something, I'm going to just say so, and if I don't like something, I'll be up front about it. No more talking behind people's backs if I haven't said how I felt to their face. It's not a healthy way of living or a healthy way of thinking.

On a completely unrelated note...I might finally be getting over the whole gambling thing. It's fun in a pointless sort of way, but you really can't win in the long haul. It adds something to the sporting experience, but really, fantasy sports will be the extent of my gambling from here on out I think.

I need to thank a couple of people for helping me get deep down into the being of my character, see some glaring flaws that needed correcting, and giving me the means to do it.

Natalie "Luna Grande" Watts, you're a wonderful friend that I'm blessed to have met. You provide an excellent example of healthy living and have a tremendous spiritual outlook on life. People can make fun of me for having strong religious convictions, but I think I'm going to stick to them this time...the time away from God has been difficult but like many of the characters in the Bible, I hope to find redemption and happiness in my life. You've helped me in a way that I cannot describe, but thank you.

My Mother. Everyone has flaws, but she's always been there for me and tries her best to understand what's going on in my life. She always taught me that lying was wrong, but I still do/did it when it made things easier. The last time I lied to her actually caused a full anxiety attack and I could see the pain in her face when I did it...she knew I was lying but wanted me to be telling the truth so badly. She also helped point me the direction of spiritualization through reflection and has always helped me get through the rough times.

Brendan Leigh. For always listening to my crazyguy lengthy diatrabes through our numerous phone conversations through the years. I wasn't always the best friend for you back in the days, but something I'm very proud of is our relationship now with things being very even and me giving as good as I take. I'm very excited for you and your new job. Hopefully once you get on your normal schedule we can actually hang out again.

Tim Aten. Keeping me grounded and pointing out a lot of things before I was ready to hear them. I'm glad we're reconnecting as friends and I hope to make our lunches a regular thing. You've been one of the few people that I have always felt that I could be honest with and consequently, someone who has heard very few lies and knows many of my worst secrets/lies/etc. I appreciate it and wish I could return the favor.

My dad. Supporting me to the age of 25 is a little on the rough side, and even though you've complained a lot, you keep doing it. I've probably burned you more than anyone, and yet you stick with me and we've been on much better terms. I hope that I can reward your trust someday soon, especially because all of your health problems worry me to an insane degree.

Everyone else that has been a wonderful friend despite me not always being as good of a person as I could be...too numerous to mention. You guys have been true friends and even though many of our lives are totally different now, I have not changed in my desire to see all of you as successes in your own rights. Thank you.

The loss of my latest love may have been a good thing after all. I can say with complete honesty that I am going to keep going about things in the right way and try to be the best person I can be. If that means I get walked on sometimes, so be it.

Vaguely related corollary: Spending has gotten out of control, and I need to start budgeting so I can move out and be an adult. Don't be surprised if I start being a little stingier with the wallet. However, unlike the lying, this change doesn't have to be so stark and immediate, but I hope to gradually BUILD UP A SAVINGS instead of just wasting more and more money on eating out and other insane things. That does not mean that I will stop being generous, however, because I don't believe in being covetous and greedy.

"I won't let you bring me down
It's here and now, I'm breaking out
I will learn to love again
But I will stand a broken man"

Boys Like Girls - "Broken Man"