23

"I won't always love what I've never had,
I won't always live in my regrets."

--Jimmy Eat World - "23"

A good mantra to live by.

I've spent the last X hrs listening to Jimmy Eat World's "23" on repeat, so this post might be a little emotional and irrational.

I'm obsessed with "love." It's the truth and no matter how much I try and deny it or put it in the back of my mind, it's always there waiting for me. I've spent the entirety of my life alone. I can honestly say that no girl has ever said "I love you" to me. And does it hurt? Of course it does. Is it that unexpected? No.

I spent ages 12-24 as the fat kid. I grew and grew and grew, reaching up to as high as 350 lbs before finally doing something about it. During the time I was the fat kid, something else grew...the chip on my shoulder, as though I was entitled to have someone love me like you see in the movies. Of course, said chip only made things more difficult for me, as I pushed away people who potentially could have loved me for who I am. One plus side to being a fat kid is that you have to develop some other skills and not depend on your looks to get by. I became a well-rounded, interesting, and witty person who had/has a lot to say on almost any subject. Do I regret not trying to lose weight before so that I could take advantage of my natural gifts and maybe meet someone? Yes. It's one of my few actual regrets.

But we live in the current reality. The past is where we leave a little bit of ourselves, like when a snake sheds its skin. Yes, the snake is in the present, but behind it there is a small piece, a remnant of what was. I'm currently trying to shed my skin. I've lost nearly 125 lbs since February of 2005. I look pretty good right now, but I'm not satisfied quite yet. I'm back in school, finishing what I started 7 years ago. I have a decent job with a bunch of interesting, attractive people who I respect and hopefully have befriended. Things are going extremely well. Sure, I don't have as much time as I'd like, and I don't get to see everyone I love as often as would be optimal, but overall, I'm actually HAPPY. There's just that one thing.

And yes, I know I sound like a chump. I don't care anymore. Doing what Neil Strauss would do might be fine for Neil Strauss, but for me, I want to stay the way I am. Yes, I understand that it means more suffering and patience, getting blown out by "lets just be friends," and wondering if I'll ever meet that someone, but I just can't. I can't bring myself to change the very fiber of my being to start reciting some canned lines and doing the same thing every other guy does just to get laid.

I'm going to try something radical. I'm just going to be me. If it's not good enough for some girls, I'm sorry but I guess it wasn't meant to be. Instead of saying what I think they want to hear, or what someone says I'm supposed to say, or going against my instincts, I think I'll just say what I feel or think in an honest manner, in all it's nerdy, inexperienced, naive, glory. If I come off as a dumbass sometimes, so be it...trying to be the "perfect guy" hasn't worked for me and it's too much work to put on a front.

"The Game" is over. It's not about trying to find some hole to stick your naughty parts in tonight. I'm looking for substance and I'll be damned if some doesn't come along.

Who knows if any of this post makes sense, but I'll probably edit it later and act like I never wrote it.

"You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine."