I'm the narrator and this is just the prologue...

Hi.

News and notes from the past week:

- Had a doctors appointment, a routine physical, and found out that I might be the healthiest guy who has weighed over 250 lbs for the past 10 yrs. My cholesterol, blood pressure, blood sugar, and thyroid levels were excellent, so things are looking up healthwise.

- Had an eye appointment. Found a scar on my left cornea that apparently has been there for like 15 yrs, yet no one had caught it, helping to explain just why my vision is so bad. I also got some new glasses after it was discovered that contacts would cost $600/yr. The new glasses are fresh and very sexay.

- Fantasy baseball draft was Saturday, a lot of fun and my team is interesting. Actually, the less said the better, but I do think I have the best looking team in our league.

- Relaxed a lot on Sunday, which leaves me in a good position to face this week.

Ok, today's topic is Fez from "That 70's Show," Wilmer Valderrama. Normally I'm all in favor of misers mising, but this guy has reached RIDICULOUS levels. He appeared on Howard Stern's Sirius radio show and talked about the various hollywood starlets that he's had "relations" with...take a look at this list.

Lindsey Lohan (pre spiral) - Boobs are real and she's waxed "down there" according to Fez.

Jennifer Love Hewitt - Apparently an "8" in bed.

Ashlee Simpson - A screamer.

Mandy Moore - He popped her cherry. Real classy, Fez.

Jessica Alba - "too good to be true"

Ok. So the guy's been with pretty much every celebrity woman around my age that I'd cut off a finger to sleep with. He's famous and I'm not, I understand that, but WHY FEZ? Like, there are plenty of good looking young male celebrities out there that should be banging these girls. Nick Lachey, bless his heart, went from Jessica Simpson to that ridiculous Jamie broad from Laguna Beach, and you know what, he deserves it (gayfgtthxbarn, to borrow a phrase from Saran). Fez is a creepy hispanic dude who can only be described as C-list celebrity status. Not only that, but he had the arrogance to go on Howard Stern and brag about all of this to the world. If all it takes is a semi-successful sitcom and a rumored 8 inches (claimed by Fez himself, which means 6-7) to get laid by every gorgeous woman in Hollywood, well, someone get me a role on "Scrubs" or something...or at least "Two and a Half Men". And I'd also like to borrow 3 inches.

WAIT. IGNORE THAT LAST PART.

Moving on, this week I'll be spending extra time working and schooling thanks to a random round of tests in all of my classes as well as Omnicare remaining the nut low. Well, besides the ladies, but that's pretty much all Spruce and I have to look forward to, which reminds me, I might try and go on a Fez-like spree through Omnicare. Chances of success aren't all that high, but like, what do I have to lose by getting rejected by Wadsworthian lovelies? Nothing I haven't already done without in the past.