Kill

"So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Gotta take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know people can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
Tell me just what has it ever meant?

I can't help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away"

--Jimmy Eat World - "Kill"

I made an interesting discovery a couple of days ago. I found a huge collection of CDs that I made during the years of 2000-2002. The strange thing is how I have changed, but yet how much hasn't changed. I made the cds at the time in regards to my romantic obsessions of the time (anyone remember the names Michelle Popovic and Sara Milano?) and I find myself trapped in the same quagmire of feelings now. Natalie and I have done a lot of discussing about how I shouldn't be so concerned with love, how maybe I'm just not ready to have that in my life, and how no one needs to validate me. I know that she's right. The thing is, changing something that has been engrained in my personality is very difficult. Most of you have never known me with a serious girlfriend, and the reason is because there hasn't been one in a very long time. Unfortunately, all of the time away from a relationship only makes me want it more, making it more difficult to bring about, and it's a stupid, vicious cycle.

I'd like to say that I'm ready to turn the corner or make some sort of real change so that I'm not a hopeless romantic who falls head over heels for girls that don't share those feelings, but I don't think it's happening. Feeling any other way just seems phony. And maybe that means that I'll be alone for another 5 years (feels like forever already) or whatnot, but at least the sweet will be that much sweeter when it does happen. At this point, I'm fed up with trying to be something I'm not...that means that if a girl is going to like me, she's going to have to accept me for all my nerdy, corny, overbearing (sometimes), and oversensitive ways. In return she'll get a loving, intelligent, witty, challenging guy with a lot of potential, someone who will treat her with respect and be a good listener when she has a bad day. I think that's a fine tradeoff.

I'm obsessed with the idea of a title of "boyfriend" but really I think I should/can be satisfied with someone to go to dinner with and watch TV with...if feelings beyond that develop, I can wait and see what happens, but optimally I would have a bunch of women that I can hang out with and develop relationships with, some friendships, some more than that, some successful, some failed. At least in that case I can pick up that social contact that I crave, work on my relationship development skills, and learn some new things that will help me in the future.

Hopefully this will be the last post on "love" for a while, but I make no promises. The whole idea consumes so much of my time and energy it's no wonder that so much of my other potential goes untapped. I need to work on prioritizing and not getting so caught up in my emotions, a goal that I think I CAN meet.

In other news, the great move-out continues to move at a slow pace, but at least we're back in forward motion rather than idle. Work has been difficult but rewarding, school is annoying but nothing more, and I miss my friends. I'm currently in the process of figuring out a good way to build up some wealth.

Hope everyone out there is doing well, and I'd love to hear from you. Lunches with Alex on Mondays are insanely fresh, and I'd like to add regular planned lunches on Tuesdays and Thursdays, since I don't have school and it would make me happy...if anyone is interested, please let me know!

Songs of the Second:
Foreigner - I Want to Know What Love Is
Straylight Run - It Never Gets Easier
Jimmy Eat World - Kill
Semisonic - Singing in My Sleep (FROM THE VAULT)