It's Happening. It's All Happening.

Holy shit. I'm getting better.

I'm starting to believe in myself again for the first time in so long. I am surrounded by people who believe in me, too. Before I go into my renaissance and the impetus behind it, I want to single out a few people by name because you deserve it. If you don't get mentioned here, I probably owe you thanks too, but these are the people on my mind.

Jeremy Rexroad - A fantastic roommate and a better man. Tons of late night talks to get me out of my funk. Believed that if something went right, it all could go right.

Cedric Phillips - Just read the post before this and you'll know

Brendan Leigh - More late night phone calls than anyone ever should have to deal with, even if they aren't profound, it's great to know that someone is always there for you when you need them.

Alex Talarico - A much better friend than I've given him credit for in the past. Is undergoing his own personal renaissance and getting married in 3 months. Called me after i got the new job (foreshadowing) just to tell me how proud he was of me.

Chris Czaplicki - A supportive man, always hosts the good times on various Saturday nights.

John Hunka - Talk to him everyday. Another true friend who has always been there.

My Family - Even when I spent forever letting them down, never stopped believing that maybe things could get back on track.

So what's going on? Well for starters, the Omnicare era is coming to an end one week from today. I took a new position as a Lead Technician at Euclid Hospital (a Cleveland Clinic facility). Along with a nice increase in pay, better benefits, and a new set of challenges to conquer, this means that I will be coming back to the Cleveland area full time. That's right bitches, that means I can actually have a life again and see my friends on a regular basis. Not only that, but I will be on day shift, meaning that I will be free in evenings like a normal human being.

I'm really excited. Things are going well. I have a new outlook on things, and one of the big places that shines through is with women. I am DONE trying to grovel to make women happy. I am what I am. And one of the things I am is a person who is plenty happy being single and hanging out with his friends whenever possible. I've decided that the work of being in a serious relationship (and let's be honest, to have any sort of solid relationship, you need to put in serious work) just isn't something that needs to be on my radar right now. I will continue to seek out the company of women for their fresh perspective on life, dinners, movies, and anything else that may transpire, but the idea of a committed relationship seems very poor with all that is going on.

This is probably the most positive blog I've ever written. I haven't felt this good about my future (even though I am a little nervous, but in the good way) since I was an actual teenager. All of this, and Rocco/Dirk/Cedric/Bosma and I have our Vegas trip in 10 days. LIVING THE DREAM! Just to top it off, my fantasy baseball team has come to LIFE and brought a smile to my face, and a girl that I actually manned up and emailed from eHarmony just hit me back with a very witty rejoinder. Life is so much easier when you have hope. And hope has returned.

Songs of the Second:
MC Lars - Hurricane Fresh (From the VAULT)
fun. - Be Calm
Girl Talk - Feed the Animals Album (Late to the party on this, but really awesome)
Cartel - Let's Go
Coheed and Cambria - Welcome Home

Lessons from Cedric

I could never live my life the same way that Cedric does. He has such a reckless way of going about business, but boy, when he wants something, he really GOES. FOR. IT. And when he makes the decision to go all out and do something, there is no obstacle that can stand in his way. Where I might still disagree with the basic reckless nature of his pursuits, and I certainly don't agree with the places he spends his energy, there is a lot I can learn from Ced. A late night pep talk when I was on full-tilt showed me that once again.

Stangs215 (3:11:44 AM): i mean

Stangs215 (3:11:50 AM): you are my actual best friend

Stangs215 (3:11:53 AM): and you let the same shit

Stangs215 (3:11:58 AM): just drive you insane

Ced could not be more right about this. I let the same things bother me every day, and have for the past 10 years. Changing the main issue here (being upset about things I cannot control/losing faith when presented with roadblocks) would do me a ton of good.

Stangs215 (3:22:12 AM): your life aint gonna get ne better if you keep bitching about shit nonstop

Stangs215 (3:22:22 AM): and just start taking action

Stangs215 (3:22:26 AM): and i know you know that

Stangs215 (3:22:34 AM): but as someone who is a big god believer

Stangs215 (3:22:40 AM): and has faith

Stangs215 (3:22:46 AM): i would think you TRULY believe this

Stangs215 (3:23:03 AM): i dont like to see you unhappy

Stangs215 (3:23:06 AM): but at the same time

Stangs215 (3:23:19 AM): i dont honestly believe the real joebags is putting his best foot forward


Again, he's totally right. It's awkward to waste the amount of talent that I waste. He hits home especially hard with his next assertions. Obviously as I'm writing this, my internet crashes and I lose the ability to quote our conversation. CED TO THE RESCUE AGAIN with chat log. So back to the regularly scheduled post:

JOE GAG2 (3:41:17 AM): but you can never stop trying to beat the variance in life right?

JOE GAG2 (3:41:45 AM): if you stop trying to beat the variance then you are just giving in to chance and random events/decisions other people make

JOE GAG2 (3:41:56 AM): "riding the train"

Stangs215 (3:41:58 AM): you jsut cant care about the variance

Stangs215 (3:42:16 AM): you control as much as you can

Stangs215 (3:42:24 AM): and then as long as you truly believe you have done as much as you
can

Stangs215 (3:42:27 AM): you worry about nothing else

JOE GAG2 (3:42:35 AM): but i never believe that

JOE GAG2 (3:42:38 AM): unless i win

Stangs215 (3:42:57 AM): but you do

Stangs215 (3:43:14 AM): you keep on winning

JOE GAG2 (3:43:25 AM): i just think that doing as much as you can has to result in winning i
guess

Stangs215 (3:43:37 AM): but that isnt realistic

Stangs215 (3:43:45 AM): it isnt even about the winning to a certain degree

Stangs215 (3:43:50 AM): isnt it just better for mental health

Stangs215 (3:43:51 AM): to know

Stangs215 (3:43:54 AM): that you as a person

Stangs215 (3:44:00 AM): did the absolute best you could do



This is something that simply put, I just need to work on and work on until I get it. I associate doing my best with "winning." That's just a way to set yourself up for failure in life in general. First of all, you can't win everything - not everything has a winner or a loser. Second of all, sometimes even the best don't win, even when they play their best. Sometimes Tiger Woods gets beaten by duder playing the tourney of his life, and sometimes Kai lost to inferior player too. That's what keeps the rest of the world motivated to persist. I can't let perceived injustice stop me from learning and moving forward. But Ced wasn't close to done yet.



Stangs215 (3:48:02 AM): if you keep doing the same things, you are just going to keep being miserable

Stangs215 (3:48:10 AM): and there is no reason for that

Stangs215 (3:48:32 AM): you have all the potential in the world to do whatever the fuck you want to do

Stangs215 (3:48:53 AM): why let the idiots defeat you

JOE GAG2 (3:49:12 AM): its not the idiots that defeat me

JOE GAG2 (3:49:14 AM): it's me.

JOE GAG2 (3:49:30 AM): little setbacks send me into terrible sadness or anger

Stangs215 (3:49:35 AM): if you are kolding yourself

Stangs215 (3:49:38 AM): the idiots are winning

Stangs215 (3:49:45 AM): cause thats the only way they can beat you

Stangs215 (3:49:54 AM): they cant beat you themselves



The main reason I am posting all of this is not just to give Ced a nod for wisdom (although it's nice) but to have this to look back on when some random idiot at work or in life or whatever drives me to the point of insanity and I start to have anxiety or fury or whatever. I have let a lot of people who aren't worthy of holding influence in my life do just that because I'm afraid to stand on my own merits. I am going to change that, by any means necessary.

I'll end with this. I promise next time to have some HOT GIRL countdowns or MUSIC RECOMMENDATIONS (hint: it all sucks right now, but I'm working on finding some new stuff).



Stangs215 (3:51:34 AM): do you know how many people want to do something and cant because they arent capable

Stangs215 (3:51:40 AM): we are in the top 1 percentile

JOE GAG2 (3:51:50 AM): yeah i guess i take it for granted

Stangs215 (3:52:10 AM): if we want to do LITERALLY ANYTHING

Stangs215 (3:52:11 AM): we can

Stangs215 (3:52:27 AM): there is nothing neither of us cant do

Stangs215 (3:52:36 AM): god has given us the ability

Stangs215 (3:52:44 AM): im not going to let him down



Neither am I.

I'm Back (Again)

Wow, it's been a moderately crazy couple of months, but I had today off from work and decided it would be TIME FOR AN UPDATE. I saw the mighty Brian Six this weekend (not to be confused with Johnny Seven derfy derf), and he asked me if I still had a blog. So here I am. Rock you like a hurricane.

So I've been searching for some answers lately. Where to start? You guessed it, revisiting former blog entries! I went back and reread some of the stuff I've written in the past, and it's amazing that I've had this blog for going on 6 years. Unfortunately, I'm still DOING THE SAME STUFF that I was 5 years ago. THAT HAS TO CHANGE.

What am I so afraid of? Change? Failure? Making a decision? I have no idea. But fear has been ruling my life for a long time. I have to take more chances and get back to being Joe Gagliardi - I was a man who said how he felt for a very long time, but it just became easier to say what people wanted to hear and grin and bear it. Enough of that. Enough of the easy way out.

I'd like to take this opportunity to tell certain people to fuck off. I'm done acquiescing. Take your lack of respect for me and my work and stick it up your ass. I'm a better, smarter, and kinder person than you will ever be. I've tried to be friendly and be apologetic even when I'm not wrong. That ends now. Enjoy your meaningless, goalless life because it's what you have to look forward to for the next 40 years. And oh, by the way, another fuck you to those people who haven't supported me despite my best efforts to increase the quality of their lives on a daily basis. I'm not perfect, but I certainly haven't been selfish in my dealings with these people. If they refuse to give back the respect that I have shown them, then I am done giving it.

But it's not all negative here in JoeWorld (TM). I talked to some old friends this week. Some of them old but still very good friends (paging DOCTOR Mazzola), others are from the VAULT (SJB Girls? What on earth?), and others still are returning as we speak (Michele Popovic, come on down!). I miss the old me. I felt a lot of pain when I was "the old me," but at least there was feeling. Modern me has the "shit it" attitude that is so prevelant nowadays. Where has shitting it got me, you might ask? Lead Technician at a long-term care pharmacy, thank you very much! Omnicare was great to me, and helped me get back on my feet during my darkest days, but perhaps it's time to move on to something bigger and better...I just feel like I'm destined to do so.

Another positive thing that I want to talk about is how great a roommate Jeremy has been. I have been truly blessed with great roommates during my life, from Brian Halm the magical leprachaun to Sean "Sexxy Lumina" Knurek all the way to current day Jeremy Rexroad. No cohabitational relationship is going to be perfect, but Jeremy is a hell of a guy who is always there for me when I need him, and has been ultra-accomodating during our time living together. I will truly miss living with him!

Also making a big return is a little spirituality. I truly believe that God has a plan for me, and where I may not ever actually know the plan, I am pretty sure that there is more to it than where I am right now.

I can't promise when I will write again, but I will try and make it more regular. There is a lot of burning issues in my mind, and one of them is perhaps trying to make a go of getting off of the psychosematic medications that I have been on for going on 8 years. I know that I have anxiety issues, but maybe, just maybe, I can work through them if I'm patient enough with the withdrawls and move on to just acute attack medication (Xanax, most likely).

Song of this very moment, hearkening back to 2005 - Anberlin - Paperthin Anthem.

Knowledge on My Terms and Other Tales from Growing Up

I promised last time that I would continue by talking about how my natural intelligence carried me through grade school. Basically, I was that kid. You know who I'm talking about. The one that raises his hand for every answer. The one that wins the spelling bees. The one that turns in his test first, and everyone looks up and thinks, "how in the world is he done already." Now I know that might come off as a little conceited, but we're talking about events of 10+ years ago here, and I'm trying to paint you a picture of just how I rolled back in those days. I hated homework because I found it incredibly mundane to continuously practice something that I had already mastered during class. I never really studied, instead relying on my patented "Gagliardi Method" of learning.

The premise is simple. You pay very close attention in class, relying on the teacher's emphasis to show you what you really need to learn, while at the same time utilizing any processes that they provide immediately (this part is mostly true for math or science). Most kids spend way too much time taking menial notes rather than actually listening to what a teacher has to say. There are so many subtle verbal clues if you bother to look for them that can help you to a better grade and greater understanding of the subject matter. This works all the way up through the college level, and I recommend trying it for all of you students out there. That is not to say that you don't take notes, but only write down key points and then return to paying attention to the professor.

It may seem totally logical what I'm saying, almost to the point where it doesn't need to be said, but you'd be surprised at how many college students (and to a lesser extent, high schoolers) simply write down everything and when they go back to look at their notes realize that they know nothing. I made it through many of my classes with high marks, often without even buying the book for the class just by doing this (and attending class regularly - obviously a huge key) before my nervous breakdown. Oooooh - Foreshadowing!

I have to interrupt here and just say how simply awful my little mini-vacation was...basically I would have much rather spent all the time at work rather than have had the time off with the way things went. I hope I can get through this time. I will say that last night was the first time that I would have been ok with not waking up...and that scared me. I'll be back to finish this post at some point, but I wanted to get posted what I already have done.

Expectations and Chapter 1: The Story So Far

One of the most difficult things I've dealt with throughout my life is expectations. With my 10 year high school reunion on the horizon, and randomly reconnecting with people from my childhood on Facebook, I've been thinking a lot about where I am and where I've been. I've decided to actually put this to paper, with the hope that maybe I can lay to rest some of the demons that have plagued me for so long. This will probably be a multiple post endeavor, but I want to start going through my life so that I can move forward and feel good about myself and where I am headed. In order to do that I have to figure out what I want and be able to make a path to that point. My first step on that path is to acknowledge the past but loosen its grip on my life. Major topics that I want to cover are intellectual success, social growth, and epic failure with women. No better place to start than from the actual beginning.

I was born on June 23rd, 1981. My first memories come at about age two, but they are spotty at best. I learned to read very early, sometime during my age 3 year. At age 3, I was also able to name most of the game show hosts on television, from the very easy Price is Right (Barker obv) and Classic Concentration (Trebek actually), to the more difficult Password (Bert Convy) and Joker's Wild (Jack Berry). I was incredibly voracious in my search for knowledge. I wanted to take in every possible fact and figure that I could. It was during these early years (3-6 or so) that I developed my keen interest in sports. I read the sports page every morning and devoured the statistics with true vigor. At the same time, I spent my early years making friends at Preschool and Kindergarten, culminating with my first three actual friends: Dave Epifano (my lifelong best friend, and still a friend to this day), Darren Hastings, and Brendan Kelly (not as much for these guys).

I was very nerdy and had glasses at age 5, and not the kind of glasses kids have now, but giant thick glasses that didn't help my image. I was (and still am to a large extent) a know-it-all, which annoyed many of my peers from the get go, but I was never afraid of being intelligent. I knew that I was sort of dorky but I didn't care because my love of intelligence and the attention that it brought me from my family and teachers was more than enough to ignore childish insults. Despite all this, my love of sports led me to play sports every summer for the city of Parma Heights and I loved it.

I attended St. John Bosco school from age 5 until age 13. It was my life to go there every day and I still have many memories from those days. While my brain was developing at a ridiculous rate, my social skills had not nearly blossomed to that level yet. I was a crybaby and a poor sport and combining that with being a nerd and "knowing it all," along with a sudden weight gain in third grade made me relatively unpopular, especially with girls. The guys, on the other hand, mostly liked me because I had no problem sharing my intelligence, letting people copy off of me, and I loved sports and was a solid athlete despite my overweight frame.

Random memory insertion here: I hated changing clothes after gym. I always rushed through it as fast as I possibly could as we were all crammed into a very small bathroom that was near the gym. I remember in 8th grade being in there while one of my classmates (sorry Matt Foraker, but I think the statute of limitations has expired on keeping guy talk between the guys) who was very popular recounted his sexual experience with a girl who was one of the "slutty" girls in our class (there were a total of 55ish kids in our grade). I had never heard of such talk before...I mean, I knew the health class idea of what sex was but never had actually heard one of my friends/classmates talk about sex. The idea of it sort of scared me. I was a sweet boy who had nothing more than crushed on a couple of girls for the entirety of my grade school career (hi there Jessica Levi and Tiffany Karpac!) and had no idea that this sort of thing was actually going on already. I had no idea at the time, but the game had changed.

I was a very sensitive boy. I didn't like being made fun of, not for any reason. Because of this, I wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted to be included in everything. I remember crying a lot growing up because people made fun of me and I didn't know how to just laugh at myself and get over it yet. I don't think of my childhood as a childhood because I was so sensitive and pensive most of the time that I didn't do wild and crazy things that kids do, but at least I had my friends.

I had an amazing group of close friends that I spent my summers with: Dave, Erich Krems, his sister Kerry, my next door neighbor Meredith, and the periphery was filled with even more friends like Jason Radzyminski, Joe Selesky, and others that we played ball with, started clubs with, swam, and battled in board games (Hotels FTW). We were amazingly tight from the time I started school until I moved a few miles away and between that and the start of high school it was no longer a daily thing that we could see each other at age 14. I will always hold the Drug Mart and 76 runs to get candy and soda in high regard in my memories. I also remember the first vestiges of list-making (something I still love to this day) when Dave and I helped Erich with his paper route and we talked about the various girls we wanted to date and ranked them.

I had an enemy in our group of friends, Mike Yakubics, who hated me when other people were around but actually was pretty cool when it was just me and him. We played Tecmo Super Bowl together. Innocent times... sadly things wouldn't be so innocent years later when Mike ran down someone in his truck outside a bar. I can't say I never wished ill-will on him but I am certainly sad to have seen this sort of thing happen, so if you're out there Mike, I'm sorry for how things turned out for you.

This post is a lot of fun. I have a ton more ground I want to cover just from these early years alone...and this is the easy part! I am going to try and break this up over multiple posts, as I said, so I'll stop here and next time go into greater detail of my early struggles with women, finish discussing how my natural intelligence carried me through elementary school, and delve into the early part of high school, hopefully at least getting through my Dad's stroke that nearly killed him. Until next time...

Songs of the Second: (1992 edition - Sixth Grade School Dances!)
Stereo MCs - Connected
Kriss Kross - Jump
Pearl Jam - Jeremy
Boyz II Men - End of the Road
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Under the Bridge
Spin Doctors - Two Princes

Detox Just to Retox (Dreams)

So this is going to be a pretty heavy duty post. I want to talk about dreams. Not the kind you have in your sleep, but the kind that keep life worth living. Yes, I know, this is beyond my usual post about girls and sports and the stuff that makes up the daily grind.

I've spent an ungodly amount of time in my life thinking about my dreams. In a discussion with my college roommate Sean (coincidentally one of the best friends in my life, but someone I haven't physically seen in around 6 years), we were catching up on things and we both said something along the lines of "same place I've been in for 8 years." Sean is a very successful person scholastically. He's probably the all-time best student that I've ever known, completing multiple degrees from multiple high-class academic institutions.

I on the other hand have spent the last 8 years doing a variety of odd jobs that some people would consider below my station intellectually. The truly ridiculous thing is even with all of this time to think about what my dreams truly are, I still have no idea what I want my life to look like in even 1 year, much less in 5 or 10. Once in a while, something emerges from my cloudy mental picture...a moment of clarity. On Monday, WKNR, the sports station here in NE Ohio put out a press release about a new host for the drive time shift, Michael Reghi. The press release was irrelevant mostly, but the contact information at the top had me thinking that maybe I would be better off leaving my sustainable but unfufilling job at Omnicare (where I am in line for a nice promotion within the next year) and heading off into the world of radio, no matter how mundane the entry level job might be. Why would that thought cross my mind? I've spent the last 4 years building up my status at Omnicare to be recognized and ultimately promoted. Leaving now seems incredibly stupid but at the same time incredibly logical. I proved what I wanted to prove and I can say with relative certainty that this is not what I want as a career.

Starting over is a scary thought but I am strongly considering sending an email to WKNR asking for a job doing whatever. Throughout my life one of the only enduring passions has been sports. I love sports, I love statistics, I love the excitement that comes with rooting for your favorite team in an important game. I love the meaningless May baseball games that play in the background at work. But most of all, I love the stories that come from sports, the triumph in the face of unbelievable odds, or even when the best effort isn't enough and you fall short.

I guess I look at life in a different way as I've aged. I've been so terrible at closing doors to various opportunities in my life. My talents have gotten me involved in many areas in which I could conceivably succeed or at least produce good work at a high level. The problem is that I don't like to just pick one path and stick to it because I'm afraid I would be happier doing something else. For most men, this materializes in a fear to commit in a relationship, but I've let it bleed into my entire life because I have such grand dreams. I'm always looking around searching for the next big thing to be interested in until something even MORE interesting comes my way.

I talked to my therapist (yes, I'm one of THOSE people) about things and he basically said that I'm still young and it's not that crazy to follow your dreams. I guess it's supposed to be hard. The inertia factor in the day-to-day grind is so high for people like me. I have a hard time taking the difficult path because the easy paths have always been there for me. The other thing that keeps going through my mind is just moving away and forcing myself to do something tough. I guess I need to make some decisions about where I want to be tomorrow rather than always over analyzing and thinking about where that decision will put me in 5 years.

My new mission is to work on making short-term goals and the decisions that go with them. One such goal is to brush my teeth at least 2x/day rather than just once a day. I used to be incredibly anal about my teeth but lately I've gotten lazy. I once wrote a very high-minded "goals for the next year" blog that pretty much was destined for failure because of my inability to concentrate on the minutiae and love of big picture thinking. So I'm now going to try a different approach.

Goals for the next week:
1. Brush teeth 2x/day
2. Go to the gym at least once
3. Write a letter/email to WKNR
4. Spend less than $50 on food (dinners at work, etc)
5. Organize bills (student loans, medical, rent, phone, car payment - know what is owed, when, and start prioritizing and reducing overall debt)
6. Enjoy Saturday (Rockband with the guys?)
7. Go to church on Sunday

Long Term Goals to focus on this month:
1. Financial Freedom (tighten the belt but avoid misery)
2. Spiritual Awakening (attend church and pray regularly)
3. Physical Maintenance (eat healthier and work out more)

Songs of the Second:
Radiohead - Karma Police (from the VAULT)
Bayside - Moceanu
Fall Out Boy - Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes
Pink Spiders - Gimmie Chemicals
Nickelback - Something in your Mouth (ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SONG)

Movie of the Minute:
Gran Torino

Alone Again

It's a familiar refrain: wrong place, wrong time, wrong guy, wrong girl. Without going into specifics that no one besides the principals need to know, I'll just say here that MacKenna and I are no longer together as a couple. Pretty much, I'm the nut low for any girl that wants to get married/have children in the next couple of years. I got started dating later than most and therefore I'm behind the times and haven't had the experiences that a lot of my peers have had.

Not only that, but my life in general has been in a stall for almost 10 years. I'm ready for that to change, but I have such a hard time getting started down a path if it involves having to close doors to other avenues. All that being said, I just don't want to drag someone else into my quagmire of a life permanently until I am ready and equipped to provide happiness for them. I need time to get to that point, and time is the one thing we really didn't have.

I'm pretty torn up about the whole thing, so if you see me on AIM or in person somewhere, give me a pat on the back. I can say with utmost certainty that this could have been the right girl for me, but a multitude of conflicting philosophies on how to handle the next couple of years coupled with the complete lack of quality time we could give each other (working opposite shifts is pretty terrible) led to the demise of our relationship. I blame myself.

Songs of the second:
Ludo - Hum Along (t5 all time song)
The Streets - On the Edge of a Cliff (keeps me going)
The Hold Steady - Lord, I'm Discouraged
Death Cab for Cutie - Someday You Will Be Loved